The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
