So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
