I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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