i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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