There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
