I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
