I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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