i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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