if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
