Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
