I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
