Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
