if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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