i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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