I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
