I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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