so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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