Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
