My nipple is on Facebook.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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