Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
