He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
