what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
