I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
