so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
