I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
