i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Randomize