the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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