Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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