I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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