so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
