Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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