My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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