I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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