I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
