you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
