me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
