Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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