tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
