nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you traded sex for a burrito?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
