i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
