I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
