I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize