You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
worst night to have a conscience
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
