Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
