I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
