goodnight i made you a song goodbye
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
