she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I am naked and annoyed.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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