I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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