Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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