I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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