You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
