You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
