I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
