there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
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