you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
