mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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