morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
