she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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