so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i love accidental penises.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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