and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
