somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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