I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
